delphipsmith | Lucius ficlet, from hp_uk

And the second ficlet, from the

hp_uk_meetup. It's...um...quite silly. And should probably be read aloud to get the full effect. With apologies to Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan, of course.

Lucius' solo, or, Modern Major Death-Eater

I am the very model of a Death-Eater par excellence,
I specialize in purity and decadence and nasty taunts.
I know the names of Slytherins, and Dark Wizards historical
From Salazar to Voldemort, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with curses unforgiveable,
I understand the Dark Arts, both the complex and the trivial,
About the plans of Voldemort I'm privy to a lot o' news,
With Karkaroff and Dolohov and Bellatrix and...Severuse?
I'm very good at Crucio and also at Imperius;
(I'd better be or Voldemort will be completely furious!)
In short, in terms of purity and decadence and nasty taunts,
I am the very model of a Death-Eater par excellence,

I know our mythic history, from Merlin down to Riddle's dreams;
I lie without compunction, I've a pretty taste for evil schemes,
I quote in accents elegant the vilest kind of eugenics,
Since liquidating Muggles is my social engineering fix.
My silky locks prove beyond doubt my skill in the tonsorial,
My boots and cape and cane and sneer my mastery sartorial
My arrogance and pride are vast, not likely to be ever tamed
(tho' dented by my fealty to Someone Who Will Not Be Named)
Then I can plant a diary that brings young girls to basilisks,
And have a mad sister-in-law and never ever count the risks:
In short, in terms of purity and decadence and nasty taunts,
I am the very model of a Death-Eater par excellence!

I'm not completely satisfied with Malfoy domesticity:
Narcissa's anorexic, Bella plays with electricity,
I know that Draco's banging Harry on and on and on and on;
(At least he's not impregnating that sluttish Pansy Parkinson!)
At Hogwarts I'd expel Mudbloods, and make it what it was before,
And hanker for the death of that infernal nuisance Dumbledore.
When such affairs as prophecies and house elves I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely what it is we can beat Harry at,
In short, when I have rid myself of Remus, Moody, Sirius—
You'll say a better Death Eater has never said "Imperius!"
So yes, in terms of purity and decadence and nasty taunts,
I am the very model of a Death-Eater par excellence!

My other two contributions to the meetup are here and here.